Thursday, October 29, 2020

Clark's 2nd Birthday

TWO YEARS.

I cannot believe it.

And I posted about this nearly identical phrase last year, but it feels like it was years ago...but also barely minutes past too.


It's been two whole years since we last held you, kissed you, cuddled those sweet little sausage fingers and chunky toes.  Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, others merely minutes.  And that endless wave I am riding is still as unpredictable as it was on October 29th, 2018: some days it's just teeny tiny little waves I'm easily floating amongst, other days they’re crippling and knocking me over and over against the reef below and struggling to stay afloat and catch my breath.  But even within these waves, I know the impact our little Clark has left on us will outweigh even the most powerful, hurricane-force waves we’re faced with. 

I so wish he was here with us, celebrating his second birthday — having to hold those chunky fingers of his back so he doesn’t grab the candle on his birthday donut…but no matter how hard I wish, I know that day won’t ever come.  And it sucks.  It suck so incredibly much.  Because there is absolutely nothing worse than leaving the hospital with a box of memories instead of an occupied carseat.  As painful as losing our sweet little boy was, it has also made me incredibly grateful for all that he did for us in his short time we had with him, and continues to do as we honor his legacy.  Because of Clark I have gotten to meet so many incredible, wonderful, and oh so strong families — in so many capacities — that I know I wouldn’t have gotten to had Clark not come along.  And I’m so thankful for that.  Because during the darkest days of child loss, you are desperately searching for any kind of light to help guide you out of this dark abyss.  And those people — family, friends, acquaintances, and heck, even complete strangers — are the ones that shower you with love and support and give you that bit of light you crave.

Happy second heavenly birthday little Clark, we love you so so so much!  We’ll keep sharing your story, speaking your name, using your legacy to do a bit of good in this wild world we are living in.  Thank you for all that you have done for me little buddy — my life is so different than it was just two years ago, and that’s your doing Clark. You gave me the push I needed to follow my dreams, take the biggest leap of faith I ever have, and it’s paid off ten-fold.  You keep doing big things up there for us little C, and we’ll keep celebrating you today and everyday down here 💙

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