What's funny is that in reading my past posts there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that this babe was coming, healthy, and we'd be bringing her home. I don't think the thought of losing a baby or a baby having any health issues even crossed my mind. And gosh, what I'd give to have that naivety back. Because right now, literally what is running through my mind 24/7 is making it to delivery day. Hoping and praying that nothing happens to this babe, that he/she doesn't stop moving all of a sudden or my uterus ruptures or placenta ruptures or gets tangled in the cord or any of the awful horrors that come after having a stillborn baby. It is truly ALL I THINK ABOUT. I'm not sleeping great -- while I am SO SO SO excited for this baby, I cannot CANNOT shake the feeling that something is going to happen and we are going to leave the hospital empty handed again. It truly is all-consuming and all I want is to hit fast-forward on the next 9 days and get 8am on November 4th here as fast as possible.
In the past I posted about anxieties of adding another kid, potential eating issues, remembering the baby basics, c-section recovery, etc... Right now all of those things are the last thing on my mind: all I care about is getting this kid here safe and sound and hearing him/her cry and sighing the biggest sigh of relief that we did it and this anxiety (well at least gestating anxiety) is OVER.
I've always loved being pregnant -- it's been pretty easy for me and I've never minded it and dare I say even enjoyed it. Not this one. While it's been overall easy (physically), the emotional rollercoaster has been borderline crippling...especially here at the end. I always remember thinking of how I was a bit sad that my pregnancy was coming to an end when it was time to go deliver the older kiddos...and this time I am elated. Heck, I am even planning on having my tubes taken out so THIS IS IT. I cannot CANNOT do this again. I want this babe here more than anything and to love on them and savor them as our little bookend and the soak up the wonderful baby goodness of all of my birth and newborn clients and capture their stories while our newborn story ends with this babe. I honestly never thought I'd feel DONE and I cannot tell you how DONE I feel. The anxiety I am feeling right now (and I hope am documenting well enough for myself to read if I ever get the baby fever itch in the future) is just not worth doing this again. Too many potential problems and this just feels like it's the perfect way to complete our family.
Now along with my anxiety, I do have some amazing excited emotions mixed in too. I don't want you reading this thinking, "Gosh she is depressing and she's just riddled with anxiety about this kid's arrival." While yes, that is true, it's just not the only truth: I am also incredibly excited too. Mike and I were just talking today about how we are SO CLOSE to meeting this kid -- very much remembering the mindset we were in last year at this time and how different this year is. That we cannot wait to meet this kiddo, finally decide and agree on a name, and share him/her with our family and friends. We are hoping and praying so much that these next days go smoothly and everything goes as textbook as possible on November 4th. We cannot CANNOT wait for the big kids to meet their new sibling and fight over who gets to hold them first and all of that. We are truly so excited and so anxious to meet this babe...but also a bit cautious too, especially so close to Clark's 1st birthday, because we know just how quickly that can get yanked away from us too. The emotions and thoughts we are feeling are truly something that are so hard to accurately put into words...and until you've walked this path it's so hard to explain.
But, even with all of the anxieties, we are SO SO SO excited. We don't care boy or girl -- all we want is a baby. An alive, healthy, happy, screaming baby on November 4th. Everything else -- all of the fears and anxieties that plagued us with Rosie and Annie will I'm sure come about again once we have this babe in our arms. We truly CANNOT WAIT and we will take all of the good vibes, prayers, EVERYTHING our way this next week+ to get this babe here safely in our arms. Oh little rainbow, we cannot wait to meet you more than anything! We know Clark hand-picked you to join our family and we truly cannot wait to welcome you into it oh-so-soon!!!