Tuesday, June 25, 2019

18 Weeks: Then & Now

18ish weeks with Clark               vs.               18ish weeks with #5


Pregnancy after loss is an emotional rollercoaster: high highs, low lows, and more twists and turns and loop-de-loops than you could ever imagine.  And it's something that I think we are SO GOOD at celebrating -- those sweet little rainbow babies to come -- but don't ever really delve deep into the emotional toll and sometimes turmoil behind these announcements and sharings, or bump pictures.  The second pic is me, today, just over 18 weeks with our little rainbow...and the first pic is me, a little less than 9 months ago at around 18 weeks with Clark.  The first thing I did when I put these pics side by side (since I am such a sucker for comparison snaps) is compare my belly size: definitely smaller now, same-ish shape, face is thinner, albeit more weathered, slight smile today vs. stern face 9 months ago.  I study these two pics over and over and convince myself that things are different now -- YES.  They are different; I've been told every other week at my OB appointments and ultrasounds that THINGS ARE DIFFERENT, there is no fluid where it shouldn't be, baby is growing healthily...I'm not nearly as big as I was at 18 weeks with Clark.  But there's still that tinge inside of me, that fear, those what ifs that something may not be right.  And then I look closer at these pics again...same room, same mirror, same decor...except today's pic has things that take my breath away when I notice them: Clark's urn.  His heartbeat bear.  The few things we have that are actually HIS that are all that we have to hold on to...and that weren't in my bump pic almost 9 months ago.  It's crushing, really: to be excited and happy for this new little bean growing my belly, but then be forever sad and missing our Clark.

And why do I share this?!  Because, like most things surrounding loss, it isn't talked about.  And sometimes, even with rainbows, you still weather those storms each and every day until that rainbow breaks through.

I shared a briefer version of this post (posted below), but figured I'd expand on it a bit in my blog post.  It is such a rollercoaster...and every day, heck, every minute, I'm finding myself experiencing different emotions and thoughts.  Counting down the days until this sweet little rainbow is on our arms.  So soon, little one. So soon.  Keep growing in there and keep watching over this little one Clark man.

18 weeks with # 5 and Clark {swipe}. So many similarities, yet so many differences in those almost 9 months between these pics. What’s funny is the Clark is in both of them, just in different spots 💙 As deeper as this pregnancy gets, I keep reminding myself over and over that things are okay...and will be okay; that our Clark hand-picked this little one for us and he/she WILL BE joining our family in November. Pregnancy after loss is freaking hard, and staying positive is sometimes even harder. But I’m trying to challenge myself everyday to do just that, and continue to seek to find the good in all of our loss. Sometimes the storm lasts right up until that rainbow peeks out — but it does come. Weathering our storm each and every day and knowing we’ll get to see that rainbow in the end oh-so-soon. Less than 5 months to go little one and we are so ready for you! 🌈 

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