Tuesday, January 29, 2019

THREE WHOLE MONTHS.


Three months little buddy.  Three whole months since I carried you all snuggled up in my belly for the last time.  Three months since we met you on the outside and kissed your sweet forehead and held your teeny hands and admired your cute little button nose and chunky feet.  Three months since we had to leave the hospital empty-handed and had to say goodbye.  It’s been three months and some days it feels like just moments ago, others an eternity.  I’d be lying if I said a moment has gone by that I haven’t thought about you.  You are in the forefront of my thoughts Clark man, each second of every single day.  This wave of grief is a wild one — we’re navigating these waters without you as best as we can, and hope we’re making you proud as you watch down over us from up above.  Even though you’re not here in my arms, your spirit is motivating me to do great big things in your honor.  If I can’t have you here, I am excited about the future and what’s to come in your memory.  I’m so so so proud to be your mama, and I’ll never stop celebrating you little C 💙


I shared ^^^ this on social media this morning but felt like it earned itself a blog post too.

I honestly cannot believe it's been three months.  And I cried last night, and this morning -- the first time in a while it seemed -- thinking about our little Clark.  I think as his due date (really c-section date is what I'm going off of, cause I never make it to my due date) approaches in less than a month it's really REALLY hitting me how he's not here.  And the past few days I've missed him terribly -- missed carrying him, missed being pregnant, missed buying little things for him, because every baby needs a few new outfits and swaddles -- missing so so SO much.  And thinking about the future a lot in regards to babies: will we have another one?  Both Mike and I definitely want another baby... but am I going to be stressed/anxiety-laced for 39 weeks worrying?!  Can I get pregnant again as easily and quickly as I did with the last 4?!  Will my 4x c-section uterus be okay for another pregnancy, even though the docs say it's good to go?!?!  And SO MANY OTHER THINGS.  Some days I want to get pregnant like yesterday because I yearn for that healthy baby in the end that I've gotten 3 times prior...and other days I'm so freaked out by the 'what ifs' that I am so scared about all of this happening again.  Grief is just wild, like I said above, and these waves ebb and flow and come and go...sometimes itty bitty tiny ones, sometimes massively huge overpowering ones. 

I am really trying to channel everything into good for Clark -- doing good things in his honor...but man, it doesn't make me miss him any less.  Yes, it makes me smile a lot, especially talking about him, but man, I miss him SO SO SO much.  And it hurts...hurts to think about things that we won't get to experience with him as Annie feverishly growing out of the baby stage and into full blown toddlerhood (HOW IS SHE GOING TO BE TWO IN TWO DAYS?!??!) and I crave for another little baby to fill those shoes she's vacated.  And it hurts that it's not Clark, that he's not arriving on February 26th like he was suppose to be.  It just sucks.  Sucks so bad.  And the past few days it's sucked a lot worse than recently.  I have had a lot more 'free' time to think...as it's my slow time with photo shoots and picture-taking and I think that's part of it, and just creeping closer and closer to his due date sucks too.  What's insane to even type out is I have fiery jealously OF MYSELF when I see timehop pics of 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Annie getting ready to have her...I guess because I should be having those same anticipations now with Clark, but I'm not.  So sometimes those memories that pop up make me sad too because for the first time in 6 years I'm not pregnant every other year as has been our past.  More sucky.

I am SO GLAD we are getting away the week he was due.  I think that's going to be so good for us and will be SOOOOO needed, especially on the 26th.  Honestly I feel like exploding sometimes just with grief and missing him and missing everything...and I'm kind of glad that when that day 'comes' that we were set to meet him we'll be far away, hopefully getting lost in black sand beaches and incredible sunsets and fruity drinks and celebrating our sweet little guy the best way we possibly can.

I reminded myself tonight, like literally reminded myself out loud, that things are okay.  That I am okay.  That I need to take care of me, and I've done a good job of that thus far: quitting my teaching job to focus on ME and my family, making photography and births my #1 career, putting my family before anything and everything else and not letting anyone (or bullshit rumors) come in front of that, planning trips for much needed getaways and distractions, and making plans for the future, as far as next fall, with different photo shoots, births, and other bookings.  That I am okay.  That it is okay to miss Clark, it is okay to be angry and upset and yearn for him, but it's also okay to keep going, to move forward (not necessary move on, just keep going forward) and keep him in the forefront of my thoughts each and every day.  Because even though he's not here, he's brought so much good already and truly, as I said above, I am excited about the future and what's to come in his memory.  I just have a feeling it's going to be big, and that makes me cry happy tears for him, for what's to come.

I ordered this picture tonight as a metal print to put next to my bed.  It symbolizes so much to me (even though it's of me...which might be the vainest thing I've ever done for myself!) that I want to see it everyday, want to remind myself what it means.  That I'm not broken, I may be cut and sewn back together and have marks all over my stomach, but they are all parts of me, parts of my journey with Clark, and parts that are making me a stronger person holding onto his memory, his little hand and foot guiding me along, pushing me along the way.  It's a picture of strength and hope that I hope I see every time I look at it.  That there is life after loss, however difficult it may be sometimes, and that I'm living it.  And hopefully showing others that they can live it too.

Oh little Clark man, I could go on and on about you...but I'll stop here.  I miss you each and every second of every day, and truly cannot wait to see you again one day when we're together.  Just as I said above, I am so so so proud to be your mama.  I hope I'm making you proud up there as I live down here as best I can in your memory.  I love you so much sweet boy.

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