Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Numb.

I woke up this morning feeling very numb.  I couldn't get through my 20 week/name announcement postings on social media without crying.  I just was struggling.  Emotionally, physically, mentally.  I was so drained yet was wide away before 6am after probably having dozed off around 2am.  I'm not sleeping much which I know isn't good but I can't help it -- my mind keeps going in five million directions.

Just as we were getting up and getting the kiddos out the door to drop-offs, this big box turned up on our porch...and inside was the most gorgeous flower bouquet I have ever seen.





I read the card and immediately started crying -- these gorgeous flowers were from my INTERNET FRIENDS.  A group of ladies I have talked about on here before (and in no short supply referencing their push to me to pursue the birth photog gig) got together and sent us these flowers.  I was just speechless -- it definitely put a bright spot on my not-so-bright day.


Patrick and Annie clearly loved playing in the box too. haha!

Once we got Rosie off to school (Patrick was off Monday and Tuesday this week because of records day and conferences) we were going to pickup our friends the Polans -- they invited us to a morning of park fun: Lone Elk Park to see the animals, park playground, and then lunch.  Definitely what I needed: a distraction.  I really have been limiting where I've been going lately (heck, I don't even want to go to Target!!) because I want to be in control of the situations I am in as much as possible. I AM NOT ASHAMED OF CLARK.  Quite the opposite -- I want to tell people about him and celebrate him but am terrified that will be waterworks and crying and making others uncomfortable...and also opens the door for questions I may not want to answer.  So I have been strategically picking and choosing where I've been going to in hopes of limiting unwanted conversations and questions as much as possible. Surrounding myself with friends and family going out places helps A LOT.

This was something to watch the kids enjoy and take my mind off of the constant cycles it was doing.  Plus, I was waiting for confirmation on the amniocentesis we decided we were going to do as to when that was scheduled and then also to make an appointment with the high risk OB to get in to see him hopefully this week.









Lone Elk Park was great -- we saw lots of animals and the kids LOOOOOOVED getting to get out of their seats and hang out of the window to see all of the elk and deer and bison we came upon.  That was a real treat.  I think Annie liked sitting in Ann's lap to see everything too :)

But even as we were going through the park, I couldn't shake this numb feeling.  I told Mike later in the day this is what people with depression must feel like all of the time: just numb.  And it's a terrible fucking feeling.

We then hit up a nearby park...and the kiddos loved it.









I was then on the phone getting scheduled with the high risk OB and I had to basically rehatch everything we were told and went through last week...so that just sent me into a tailspin.  I'm crying on the phone talking to this office manager and then crying talking back with the receptionist to get scheduled then crying with my mother-in-law asking her about watching the kiddos so we could go to these appointments.  Just overwhelming.  SO OVERWHELMING.  Because then numbness was just overtaken me and all of the what ifs and possibilities came over me and it was just the worst feeling. Truly I cannot describe it.  Thank goodness for Ann and the kids -- what a welcomed distraction that was.


After lunch at Chick-Fil-A we headed home for naps all around.  I was DETERMINED to take a nap -- I was sooooo tired and this feeling all over me was just making me feel heavy, but sleep never came.  I maybe dozed off for 10 minutes?! But not long.  I just couldn't stop my head from spinning.  So many situations going through, can't stop thinking about our sweet little boy, and then the headache of dealing with my insurance in the days past all came back.  And you know what?! It's okay for me to share this...for me to write it and get it out.  Because it does help and hopefully maybe someone else will read this at some point perhaps going through something similar and realize it's okay to share and be open and be upset and numb and all of that -- IT IS OKAY.  Because I will be okay.

I then had this engagement shoot later that night, which was a huge welcomed distraction.  One thing I have learned in the past almost week is my thankfulness for my photo takings -- it has been such a massive blessing that gives me an outlet to do what I love, snap families, capture their memories, and allows me to be completely engrossed in what I'm capturing rather than focusing on everything else.  So I am thankful for that -- even the super duper difficult shoots I have to do (and had to do this week) -- they are my purpose.


Rosie asked for a silly baby picture after bath tonight and this was the best I could come up with...and I kinda love it.

After the kiddos went down my friend Beth -- who was one of the ones behind the flowers from the morning -- text and asked if she and Laura (another friend who I know from high school but also in my internet posse) could pop by for a visit around 7:30ish. HECK TO THE YES.  Even just some girl chat I was allllllll about and I was excited they were going to pop by...because this numbness was just overwhelming today and I just wanted another distraction.

OH MY GOODNESS.  When they pulled up, I was NOT expecting what was loaded in their arms...literally baskets full of goodies.

 
I was in shock.  And I think I even started crying, just like I did when the flowers came this morning.  I could NOT believe it -- goodies for me and Mike and the kids and CLARK.  They got Clark at TinySuperheroes cape and it is just EVERYTHING.  It is so perfect.

They also (along with Amy, who was a surprised but very welcomed addition to this drop-off crew!) hung around for an hour or so and we got to chat and that was SO NICE.  It was so nice just to chat and exchange stories and just enjoy their company.


All of a sudden, that numb feeling I had felt all day long was lifted and I was happy -- I was so overwhelmed, this time in a good way, with happiness and gratefulness and sooooo appreciative that these nearly 20 women came together FOR US to support us (with goodies, food is the key to my heart after all. HAHA).  I just was lost for words.  I kept telling Mike I could not believe this -- that people are doing these types of things for us.  And not even the physical things, but the comments, the texts, the emails, the letters, the prayers, good thoughts, vibes, the Facebook and Instagram messages -- everything.  It means the world to us to have all of this support and is helping SO MUCH.  SO SO SO MUCH.  Beyond any words that I can say, it truly is doing wonders for our mental state to have so much support and love and kindness behind us in this journey that I never in my wildest dreams imagined we'd be on.  So thank you -- thank you all for everything.  It means the world to us.  And I know there'll be hard and even harder days to come and the numbness I'm sure will come back, but having the support we do and the family and friends (and internet friends!) we have will lift us out of that darkness and lift us up where we will feel the love and KNOW that we will be okay.  We will be okay.

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